KEN'S KORNER - NOVEMBER 2008
AS OVERHEARD ON THE C.B.
BY AUTHOR, EDUCATOR & DRIVER KEN SKAGGS
Listening to the CB radio all day can be a bit monotonous, but every once in a while, it can be sheer entertainment. Most days are spent hearing the same tired old lines over and over. But, when you least expect it, a real gem comes across the airwaves, leaving you laughing out loud, slapping your thigh, or just smiling. Some bear repeating while others are repeated too much. I heard a good one the other day and it had me pondering some of the funny things I’ve heard on the CB.
When you least expect it, there’s the occasional, out of the blue announcement, like this one: “Attention all truck drivers at the Flying J Truck Stop. The driver of the year is now pulling into the truck stop. Please clear out fuel lanes one and two for driver of the year, and since he’ll be staying a while for his free meal, please clear out parking spaces one and two for driver of the year.” Which, of course, someone responded with, “If he’s such a good driver, why does he need two fuel islands and two parking spaces?”
I was cruising along through a construction zone one day when a pretty good imitation of a familiar commercial came on saying: “Sunday, Sunday, on the I-40 drag strip. It’s Crete Carrier’s Rolling Red Rumbler. In any other state he may be considered a slow truck, but give him a forty-five mile per hour construction zone and he becomes sixty-four miles an hour of rolling red thunder! But that’s not all. Not ten feet behind him is FFE’s Mean Green Tailgating Machine, featuring miles of lane-dodging and tailgating fury. Not to be outdone, bringing up the rear is the big finale – the number three truck, The Georgia Chicken Hauler Express, riding the yellow line and cursing all the way!”
Then there’s the one where a driver is helping another driver back into a tight parking space saying, “Come on back... come on back... come on back – whoa, not you!” Or, you’re cruising along, enjoying the drive, on a nice quiet day, when a Xerox truck passes you. You notice that big name across the trailer and you just can’t help thinking it, so you have to say it: “Hey Xerox, you got a copy?” Here’s one that you’ll usually hear somewhere near Kentucky or Tennessee. A girl with a strong southern accent comes on and says: “Attention drivers, y’all stop in at the exit 42 restaurant. We got biscuits and gravy with tater tots and ham, homemade soup, beans and corn bread, chicken-fried steak, and nanner, nanner, nanner puddin’ (banana pudding).”
After a long, hard day of driving, you finally park, and as you reach up to turn your CB off you get the usual one that you’ve heard too many times – the one that may have been funny the first time, eight years ago, but someone still thinks is funny, like: “I got my nightgown on, I got my panties on, I’m ready to got to bed.” Or, the oft repeated and very dreaded whisper, “I ain’t got no panties on.” Which is always followed by variations like, “I ain’t got no socks on,” or, “I ain’t got no CB on,” which, of course makes you shake your head as you flip the switch, giving it a rest for the night.
Once in a while you’ll catch the fun and amusing sale of mysterious fictitious items, and everybody seems to have some useless article of illusion they’d like to get rid of. It often begins with the usuals – motorcycle doors, license plate gaskets, muffler bearings and flatbed trailer load-locks – but after a while some creative drivers will come up with some good ones, like wireless jumper cables or (I love this one) dehydrated water for sale (just add water).
Everybody loves to pick on JB Hunt, Schneider and, lately, especially Swift. I’m sure they are all fine companies to work for, but this is all in good fun. If you work for one of those companies, I’m sure you’ve heard them all before and are probably sick of it. So please bear with me as I present some good, clean fun for the rest of us. Don’t take it personally, but someone has to be the butt of it all. I heard a driver tell this story once: “I saw a Swift truck struggling to back into a parking spot for twenty minutes. Finally, I walked over to him and asked if I could help. He said he would give me forty dollars if I would back the truck in for him, so I did. But, I didn’t really want to take his money, so I told him to keep his forty dollars. But I told him if there had been a trailer hooked to it, I would have taken the money.”
Drivers often help each other in passing, not only with the blink of the lights, but sometimes on the CB, too. There’s the still funny, “You got me, you hear me?” I’ve also heard, “You missed me.” And how about, “You got me Swift.” Just kidding, you’ll never hear that one! Okay, one more Swift joke and then I’ll leave that fine company alone. How do you know if your wife is messing around with a Swift driver? When you come home, you find him still there, desperately trying to back out of the driveway.
Once in a while someone will try to start an argument by demeaning truck drivers. I guess they get a kick out of arguing. Sometimes it’s all in good fun, like the one I heard that goes: “Truckers are like dogs – they piss on tires, chase cars, live in a box, and once in a while get tossed a bone.”
Finally, since you have most likely heard enough of this on the CB, in closing, I’ll take some advice that is often given on the CB into account and, “Shut up stupid!” Thank you and good night. Now turn on the CB for as long as you can stand it and see what’s happening out there in your neck of the woods.