KEN'S KORNER - FEBRUARY 2004
STICKER SHOCK
By Author, Educator and Big City Driver Ken Skaggs

Do you read all the bumper stickers you see? I usually do. Do you often daydream about bumper stickers you either wish you had, or wish you saw? Did you ever wish you had one that was interchangeable and said whatever you wanted it to, whenever you needed it? How cool would it be to have a switch on your dashboard that allowed you to choose the appropriate message when needed? Or, maybe even a keyboard on your dash, so you could type out anything you want? Oh, well I guess that one was just me. Anyway, I’ve seen some good ones out there, and thought I’d pass some of them along.

Constipated people don’t give a crap. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer. Horn broken, watch for finger. You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me. If you’re not a hemorrhoid, get off my butt. I have the body of a god - Buddha. This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me. So many pedestrians, so little time. Eat right, exercise, die anyway. Cover me, I’m changing lanes. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket? It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now. Don’t be sexist, broads hate that. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory, some don’t have film. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember any of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. I started out with nothing, I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound, that’s why some people appear bright until they speak. A fine is a tax for doing wrong - a tax is a fine for doing well. Latest survey shows 3 out of 4 people are 75% of the world’s population. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? If you lined up all the cars in the world, someone would try to pass them. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you. Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks you’re a jerk. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? You are depriving some poor village of its idiot. Save your breath, you’ll need it to blow up your date. Forget world peace, visualize using your turn signal. My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom. All men are animals, some just make better pets. Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship. Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore. I need someone really bad - are you really bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. Out of my mind, back in five minutes. Hang up and drive. I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don’t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill it. We were born wet, naked and hungry - then things got worse. Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies. Be nice to your kids, they will pick out your nursing home. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. Honk if you want to see my finger. Your honking has shown me the error of my ways. Not so close, I’m not that kind of car. Is there an afterlife - mess with this truck and find out. Elvis is dead, get over it. College: we drink more before 9AM than most people do all day. I tried to get a life but couldn’t afford one. Work is for people who don’t fish. Nobody for mayor. Support search and rescue, get lost. I brake for no apparent reason at all. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot. Rehab is for quitters. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. The IRS: we’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got. I love cats, they taste just like chicken. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school. Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Time is the best teacher - unfortunately it kills all its students. The Lottery: a tax for people who are bad at math. Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. I support publik ejukation. Why is abbreviation such a long word? Ever stop to think and forget to start again? There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t. Battered spouse on board. Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote. Have you killed a whale today? I think I just ran over your honor student. Last one out picks up the mess we made. Five out of two people are dyslexic. Give a man a fish and feed him for a day - teach him how to fish and he’ll be sitting in a boat drinking beer all day. Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant. Don’t sweat the petty things, pet the sweaty things. If you can’t beat them, join them - then beat them. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? My karma ran over your dogma. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart. I am in shape - round is a shape.

Okay, okay! That’s enough for now. I hope you enjoyed this. Now pick yourself up off the floor and get back to work!