Ken's Korner

Did you ever see a crazy driver and wish you could just snatch them out of their car and shake them? I have. Did you ever see another driver do something stupid and then flip you "the bird" as if it were your fault? I have. Do you know one of these drivers and wonder how they survive every day? Me too. Don’t you wish you could do something about it? I sure do.

Well, now you can. No, you can’t punch them in the stomach, because that can get you into trouble, but you can give them this. Just take some copies of this article and keep them with you when you drive, so that you are always prepared. Then, when you see one of these idiots park their car, just nonchalantly walk over and gently place a copy under their windshield wiper. To avoid confrontation, try not to be seen. Wait until the perpetrator gets out of their car and walks into the place they were going, before you approach their vehicle. If they happen to see you, just say, “Big sale at Auto Zone this weekend” and walk away quickly. It helps to hum the Mission Impossible theme while you are performing this sneaky task. As always, should you or any of your agents be caught or killed, the agency (me) will disavow any knowledge of you or your mission.

Maybe they will actually learn something. Maybe they will see the err of their ways and take some copies too, so that they can help spread this message. Okay, here it is: if you found this article on your windshield, then someone thinks you drive like an idiot. Many drivers call each other idiots, under their breath, but the truth is, sometimes it is the idiot who is the one doing most of the calling. So, let me first explain the difference. There are generally two kinds of drivers out there - safe drivers and idiots.

If safety is not your number one concern when you drive, you're an idiot. Too many people get killed on the roads today because of people like you. You had better slow down and quit tailgating and lane-dodging, before you kill someone. You have to allow room for error. If you are tailgating, there is no room to stop. If you are constantly changing lanes, especially if you quickly jump into the next lane, it’s only a matter of time before you crash.

If you have no concern for the law and a stop sign means only stop if you see a cop, then you are an idiot. I could understand if you were bleeding profusely and you were on your way to the hospital, but if you are flying around taking chances and risking getting a ticket just to go home and watch TV, then you are an idiot. The same is true if you are on your way to the store for a gallon of milk or any other function where five seconds won't matter. If you hurry everywhere you go, even if it is just a few miles away, then you are an idiot (I'm sorry to have to say this so many times). Do the math and you will see how stupid you look to everyone around you.

When you merge onto the freeway, do you tailgate on the ramp like an idiot? If so, how do you expect to merge? Do you even know what merge means? Why do you think they put those traffic signals on the ramps? Were you ever in the right lane when ten cars were all trying to merge at the same time? They look like a caterpillar, all bunched together, like one very long vehicle. You need to keep some space in front of your vehicle when you merge.

If there is a truck in front of you on the ramp and he is only going 30 mph, don’t tailgate him. Stay back about fifty feet to allow someone to merge between you and him. Failure to do this will make the whole highway stop, which causes a traffic jam. Too many people often try to merge at the same time. And if you pass another car or truck, while you are still on the ramp, and then cut across two lanes, you really are an idiot and should listen up.

Did you ever see an idiot going slow in the left lane, so you tailgate him and try to make him get the hint and move over into the other lane where he belongs? Well, quit tailgating, because you are the real idiot in that case. Whenever a slow driver ahead of you is getting on your nerves, don’t get mad at him, get mad at yourself for not having any patience. With the population growing and the number of vehicles on the road constantly increasing, we all need more patience. Politely go around him and be on your way.

Were you ever cruising along in the right lane, going past an entrance ramp, and the idiot in front of you starts to slow down because someone is trying to merge? Do you tailgate him and cuss him out for letting someone in? How do you like it when someone doesn't let you in? Do you really expect every car to merge at the same speed the freeway is moving? He’s not the idiot for being courteous and careful, you are, because you’re being selfish.

When you are in heavy traffic, do you tailgate so that the lane dodgers can’t get in front of you? Why? They will change lanes again anyway, so just let them in. They're not really in your way because they go in and out of your lane so quickly. Besides, do you really think you can squeeze out an extra mile-per-hour by tailgating and lane-dodging? If so, you know what you are.

Let’s recap what you learned. I’ll dumb it down for the slow ones. Safe is good. Careful is smart. Patience is important. Fast is bad. Tailgating is stupid (because you are not going to get to your destination any sooner if you get closer to the car in front of you). Lane-dodging only saves you a few seconds (if you do it constantly, all the way from point A to point B) and is not worth the risk. Seconds do not count unless you are a doctor on your way to an emergency surgery. I hope this has been helpful to you. If so, pass it on. Find even more driver cuss-outs at www.bigcitydriver.com.